There are actually some things i like. I know that nothings perfect but in my mind the following things can do no wrong.
TV
The Wire - Don't like it? Racist.
Dexter - Dexter is kinda dumb but it's still fun as hell. If you want to see into the mind of an autistic serial killer who just happens to be a good guy then watch this. Catchphrases from the show include, 'Surprise muthafucka', 'Jesus Christ Morgan' and 'It's me. I'm the [Bay Harbor Butcher]'. Season 2 stars Jamie Murray as an attractive crazy lady who (whom?) i would very much like to have sex with.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - It's a show about horrible people. If you are a horrible (normal) person you will enjoy it.
House M.D. - Whoa, look at me with the lil known indie tv shows.
Movies
Thank You For Smoking - Dark comedy in which Aaron Eckheart will win your heart.
Che I&II - My choice for best movie of 2008. Beating even The Dark Knight (this is a joke The Dark Knight was an entertaining kids movie and babies first vigillante plot probably gonna hate on that movie next).
Synechdoche: New York - See above only replace 08 with 09. (Keep The Dark Knight criticism).
Half Nelson - What i fear i will become.
Music
DMX, 'It's Dark and Hell is Hot' - The best rap debut?
Eels, 'Dasies of the Galaxy' - Makes me cry.
Soulwax, 'Any Minute Now' - Electro music for people who like me, are too fat to dance.
Mark Lanegan, 'Bubblegum' - Not my personal favourite of his but probably his most accesable album. Tell me you really like it and it's all you've heard and i will show you more of his stuff then scoff about you behind your back.
Books
Cervantes, 'Don Quixote' - Possibly my favourite book (despite my literature degree i'm horribly entry level)
Arkady & Boris Strugatsky 'Roadside Picnic' - Pulp scifi but done well. The basis for the movie Stalker... And also the uh, video game. It's good though trust me.
Caryl Philips, 'Crossing the River' - Interesting multi-generational look at racial identity. I enjoyed it more than Toni Morrison.
Milton, 'Paradise Lost' - I know you can see this Paul please return my copy of Paradise Lost.
Video Games?
They're for children but i'm not gonna pretend i dont play them. The following are worth wasting your time on if you're into that sort of thing. Uncharted: Drake's Fortune PS3 (Indy IV), Condemned, Xbox360 (really good until the end not as dumb as the sequel) and Dead Rising, Xbox 360 (So much like Dawn of the Dead that Romero sued it's developers. He lost. Seems he didn't invent zombies or shopping centres)
I like other things as well but it's not as much fun writing about things nicely. Next blog is back to criticism or maybe just a link to Pitchforks 'Songs of the decade list'. Either way you're garunteed to get a horrible opinion riddled with childish spelling mistakes and the haunting feeling that the person providing it has a DXM problem.
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Sunday, 9 August 2009
Yeah i know, people in glass houses...
Below is an old msn chatlog in which me and Hardy (scrublord if you're on twitter and give a fuck) spent well over an hour laughing at random people on the internet. We are terrible people and should probably check ourselves before we wreck ourselves as i'm 95% sure that someone has used pictures of us for very same purpose.
http://to.all.the.people.in.the.front.and.the.back.when.i.say.hell.you.say.fuckyeah.hell.fuckyeah.photos.cx/lps-for-blog-4-013-070.jpg
HARDY: There is so much going on in that picture that I don’t know where to start suffice to say, this is totally art
HARDY: Shit man, it includes a full colour poster. I really want to see what that poster is. Maybe it's that same picture, or some other picture of the two guys looking longingly at the camera
HOPPER: I hope so
HARDY: It’s as if they're saying "This is all symbolism, and it's really intelligent. Want to know what it means? Then you had better buy this fucking thing". I feel like I can learn a lot just from buying this - I won’t even need to listen to it or anything, just making the step to buying it will be enlightening enough
HARDY: Someone is totally showing the guy at the bottom goatse for the very first time and getting his reaction to it perfectly. The other guy is saying "fuck no I aint looking at that, I have some fire hydrant thing and I have no fucking clue what it is but goddamn am I gonna carry it around with me"
HOPPER: My first reaction is that there’s kind of a ‘Mice and Men’ thing going on but I can’t figure out which one of them is the retard. I mean sure the one in red is almost a dead cert but look at the one in the back, he's totally accidently killed a pretty girl with his retard strength at least once
HOPPER: I think he's carrying a bongo
HOPPER: I think he is, don’t hold me to that.
HARDY: I love the top guys’ hair, how it has the one strand flopping over his forehead and that’s it. I bet he’s real proud of it too
HOPPER: It’s like a proto devils lock
HARDY: He also looks like Quentin Tarintino before he started making movies and grew a chin
HOPPER: Yeah I can get behind that
HOPPER: It says Lenny and the Squigtones but there are only two of them. Where are the other Squigtones?
HARDY: Maybe the pair of them are so retarded that they actually imagine the rest of the band?
HOPPER: Or maybe these guys are the Squigtones and Lenny took the photo
HARDY: I can understand why Lenny wanted to stay out the picture
HOPPER: These guys dress as though they're from two different time periods. 50's rocker and 80's down and out. I bet Lenny is dressed like a knight or some sort of future person
HARDY: Lenny is Steampunk, and his right elbow is actually the camera. They took the picture out by the garages because that’s the only place they can take a picture and release all the steam safely at the same time
HOPPER: 50's guy actually looks pretty worried. As though he's witnessed the awesome destructive power of steam first hand in the accident that made his brother (80's down and out) retarded.
HARDY: The retard remembers the accident. That look is one of pure worry mixed with severe retardation
HOPPER: That or he's worried his dads going to tell him off for stealing his jacket
HARDY: Hahaha he is looking out for his dad in case he comes out looking
HARDY: Is the 50s guy wearing a purple shirt?
HOPPER: yeah with a black t under it. It’s the classic 'rock' look
HOPPER: Provided you've never seen rock before.
HARDY: I honestly cannot see either of these men playing rock music. They try to look rock and roll to fool the kids into buying their stuff, but you know they do Christian campfire songs or something lame like that.
HOPPER: Whatever they play I’m pretty sure it defies genre
HARDY: I dunno, retards have been making music longer than normal people have
HOPPER: Oh now really Paul. Another tirade against rap music? You need to stop being so racist.
HARDY: If those black people maybe rapped about sucking dick every now and then I could relate to them better. Instead I get stuck with this...urban Negro monstrosity
HOPPER: I think Lenny's afraid of the 'urban Negro monstrosity'. It explains the fear in his eyes.
HARDY: Maybe a black person is taking the picture, and Lenny (I assume Lenny is the guy at the bottom for the sake of narrative) having only heard about black people from the nice men in the white pointy hats he's shocked to see they actually exist
HOPPER: I figured Lenny was the rocker simply ‘cos he looks slightly less retarded. Steinbeck again
HARDY: I bet Steinbeck is spinning in his grave at viewing this picture
HOPPER: Why? These guys are a real life version of his characters.
Just shows he was a good writer
HARDY: What came first, the story or this picture? One prefaced the other, but I just need to know in what order.
HOPPER: I'd like to think Steinbeck saw this in a dream but Lenny and Squiggy here based their look on Steinbeck’s interpretation of that dream
HARDY: Maybe Lenny and Steinbeck had the same dream - they never actually met but the pair of them did exactly the same thing in a different way.
HOPPER: That’s pretty romantic dude.
http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p114/julia60476/Hipster2SMD.jpg
HOPPER: The next step in animal spirit clothing
HARDY: Holy shit that guy has no arms. We can't make fun of cripples’ man.
He lost both his arms in the great indie wars
HOPPER: It was a tough war. Many fought. Many lost their lives... All lost their dignity
HARDY: The only thing people agreed about the indie wars was that they were done SOOOOOOOOOOOO much better the last time they did it, now its starting to get old
HOPPPER: To be honest I thought it was a much more honourable, cooler war when it was one of those dirty wars that nobody knew about
HOPPER: C'ept us cool kids of course
HARDY: Mayhaps... his indie girlfriends’ animal spirit came alive and mauled his arms off.
HARDY: It looks like she’s got a purple heart, but instead of pinning it on her uniform she’s glued it to her hand so she always remembers.
HARDY: I dunno what she’s looking so smug about either, she’s wearing a fucking wolf shirt for fucks sake.
HOPPER: See what get’s me is the dude in the camo behind them taking photos. What’s going on here are there groups of people just standing around having their photos taken
HARDY: I bet that camo guy is taking a really bitchin' picture, like someone’s pulling a wheelie on a Harley that’s on fire but we get to see an ugly guy and some weird wolf spirit bitch instead
HOPPER: To be fair, he's not that ugly
HOPPER: I mean maybe it’s a trick ‘cos his girlfriend looks like more of a dude than he does but I'd say he’s ok looking… Overlooking his tom York eye of course
HARDY: See, I’m glad one of us mentioned it because that fucking eye man.
HOPPR: She’s really the spirit of a wolf trapped in a dudeish looking girls body and he's some sort of chameleon
HARDY: No, I know what this picture is now. The awkward pose, the glasses and the pseudo-messy hair - the dude is a massive nerd and this picture is being taken inside his basement.
HOPPER: No way man there’s a girl in there.
HARDY: A girl came in with the camo dude who wanted to take pictures of the place (I dunno why?) and he jumped at the opportunity to get his picture taken with a real life girl
HARDY: "The guys at the DnD night won't believe this!"
HOPPER: it looks like they're at a DnD night
HOPPER: Maybe tiger-girl and camoboy are taking photos as research on nerds
HARDY: I think you’re giving tiger-girl way too much credit
http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42038000/jpg/_42038482_mtv_panic_ap.jpg
HOPPER: Those young women from Panic at The Disco sure are pretty.
HARDY: This is a tragic picture
HARDY: Panic at The Disco is seeing first hand what really happened between Rihanna and Chris Brown.
HARDY: Chris Brown already got the guitarist there for watching, as you can see by his hand
HOPPER: I like to think that they've travelled back in time (in their steam powered time machine) and have arrived in Tina Turner’s house as Ike beats her up
HARDY: Except the singer got to Tina Turners house via Alice in Wonderland
HOPPER: Fuck, that’s what he's doing isn’t it. He's dressed up like the mad hater
HOPPER: Hatter sorry
HOPPER: What a cock
HARDY: The singer also looks like he's been replaced by someone from Madame tousourds
HARDY: Wait, how the fuck do you spell her name? Anyways, he looks like he’s made of plastic and its really hot wherever they are
HOPPER: I hope they're heading for the sun
HARDY: Maybe just off camera someone opened the ark of the covenant and we're seeing the reaction - the woman is being knocked away by its awesome power and the singers face is about to melt
HOPPER: And the guitarist is looking away. You can’t see it but he's tied to Harrison Ford
HOPPER: After this they will go and Harrison Ford will impregnate him with Shia Le Beouf
HARDY: The guitarist does have that sad resigned look on his face people usually have when they are about to have sex with Harrison Ford.
HOPPER: Fuck you man, If you gladly wouldn’t take it from Harrison Ford then you gay
HARDY: I thought you of all people would have soured on Harrison Ford after Indiana Jones 4
HARDY: Although if you can get through temple of doom and still like the guy then nothing is going to change that
HOPPER: I don’t blame him I blame Spielberg and Lucas... And the decline of modern cinema I guess
HARDY: So you wouldn't be the filling of a Spielberg/Lucas sandwich?
HOPPER: Who would though?
HARDY: Harrison Ford, evidently
HOPPER: Man, I can’t go on with this. I really like Harrison Ford but there’s no denying how horrible that movie was.
http://seventhsquare.com/images/raven-wtf.jpg
HARDY: That’s not a raven. I feel cheated
HOPPER: It’s more of an ostrich really
HARDY: She looks like she couldn't choose between the flashdance look or the moulin rouge look and just combined the two of them with lesbian boots
HARDY: Has she only got 4 fingers on her hand? her right one, FYI
HOPPER: I dunno, it looks like it.
HOPPER: It’s probably an evolutionary thing. Makes it easier to scoop up food.
HARDY: Well it certainly looks like she’s had plenty of practice on that so it makes sense
HARDY: Oh man, a fat joke - I always thought it was beneath me but apparently not?
HOPPER: I think the blindfold she's wearing is to entice potential suitors 'Look please sleep with me' she warbles. 'You can borrow my blindfold'
HARDY: I wonder if black people are like vampires in the sense they cant see their reflection because I seriously cannot imagine why anyone would wear an outfit like that.
HOPPER: It’s not a race thing. I think all idiots have no reflection or cast a shadow .
HOPPER: How else do you explain what Steve Martin does these days?
HARDY: Do you remember when he used to make good movies? I certainly don’t because I hadn’t been fucking born.
HOPPER: The age in which Steve Martin was funny is now like Aztec society. Historians spend a great deal of time trying to separate the myths from the truths. Was there ever a good Steve Martin movie or are these references simply metaphors and allegories used to explain the complex nuances of life?
HARDY: Steve Martin movies are a metaphor for life? Sadly, they are metaphors for Steve Martin’s life.
HOPPER: Everyone thinks the past was great but when you look closely it’s just another shitty, vaguely xenophobic movie.
HARDY: I think it only looks great compared to the present, and to actually connect the picture to Steve Martin - that woman looks perfect fodder for "sassy black woman" now that Queen Latifah is too high class to appear in shitty Steve Martin movies.
HOPPER: She does look like a budget Queen Latifah
HOPPER: If Beth Ditto and Queen Latifah had a baby…. This is that baby in 20 years time.
HARDY: What would you get if you put Beth Ditto and Queen Latifah in a blender?
HARDY: A fucking medal as far as I’m concerned - make sure to put this idiot in there with them too,
"We're gonna need a bigger blender" that guy from Jaws, whatever year Jaws was made.
HOPPER: Back to Spielberg!
HARDY: That bastard has a hand in everything!
HOPPER: Us Jews man, We pretty much run the world.
HARDY: If you run the world why do you let things like this monstrosity happen?
HOPPER: We tried to stop it. We had information telling us that this woman was hiding in the Gaza strip, specifically in schools. I feel we were justified in ignoring the Geneva Convention.
HARDY: I’d comment about white phosphorous, but at this point that could be a colloquial term to describe myself so I’ll not bother
HOPPER: I whish this woman hadn’t bothered trying to launch a music career
HARDY: She should only try to launch herself back into the ocean. Agh, another fat joke.
HOPPER: It ties back into her fin like hand though so you get points for that.
HARDY: Can we move on? I’m feeling a little uncomfortable looking at that hand and I don’t want to be accused of being racist for being uncomfortable.
HOPPER: Yeah sure, that’s why someone would accuse you of being racist.
HARDY: I’m not racist, I have too much white guilt to be racist.
http://www.commercialappeal-web.com/idiva/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/cover.jpg
HOPPER: Speaking of white.
HOPPER: There is nothing right with this man
HARDY: Can we go back to the black lady?
HOPPER: Fraid not old chum.
HOPPER: You ever heard of sensory overload? It’s a condition common amongst autistic kids.
One or more of their senses are so strained that they loose the ability to focus
HOPPER: This man does that to me. I see him and I start trying to recite poetry that I’ve remembered or quote Shakespeare in my mind.
HARDY: I think I have the opposite of that – I’m just seeing things and can’t look away
HARDY: Like that lipstick on his neck - sorry Maurice but your fooling nobody-
or the fact he’s made his earphones into earrings.
HARDY: And the fucking soul patch! Show me one person who doesn’t look like an utter twat with a soul patch, just one!
HARDY: Go ahead and try!
HARDY: You can’t do it
HOPPER: As Neichze said 'When you gaze long into the fuckhead hipster, the fuckhead hipster gazes into you
HARDY: I bet that hat he’s wearing is through necessity rather than choice
HOPPER: In what scenario could that hat possibly be a necessity?
HARDY: His hair is so fucking hipsteresque that the only hat in the world that can fit around it is that one.
HOPPER: I know its lazy to use this joke again but if Tim Burton and Dr Seuss had a baby…
HARDY: "He he, I’ve shaved my pubes and glued them to my beard, I wonder if I can intimidate the kids that hang outside the shop while I buy my clover smokes with it?"
HOPPER: I’m 100% certain that if you replace the word ‘intimidate’ with ‘impress’ that’s what he's thinking.
HARDY: Jesus Christ your right.
HOPPER: Pretty much. It’s in his eyes man
HOPPER: He cant wait to leave the fashion show and bang his 15 year old girlfriend
HARDY: You think he’s at a fashion show? with that background? He probably took his 15 year old girlfriend to an art gallery, "This is my favourite art, be sure to get my oversized hat into the photo!"
HOPPPER: Why would he take her to an art gallery? He practically is an art gallery
HOPPER: 'Hmm I’ve just stepped out in the new Damien, that’s Damien Hurst by the way. I’ve been ever so lucky to get his work pinned onto my body as he’s quite exclusive'
HARDY: I think the fact he looks like the kinda guy who would call a painting "an art" is more irritating than everything he's wearing combined
HOPPER: I’m starting to think this man isn’t a man but some sort of Lovecraftian monstrosity. He looks human, hell maybe his ancestors were but their deal with old Dagon produced this creature.
HARDY: He’s clearly wearing lipstick which gives me the impression he somehow managed to kiss himself on the neck to leave that lipstick imprint there.
HOPPER: I bet that’s a tattoo.
HARDY: Why would anyone get a tattoo of lipstick on their neck?
HOPPER: Look at this cunt. Why has he done any of these things? Neither the arts or science can answer.
HARDY: He does them because that is all he has. Once he takes off all this clutter he's an empty shell of a "man" but in full regale he can be someone. Sure, that someone is a massive tit but at least its better than nothing
HOPPER: I bet beneath it all he looks like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix right after Neo’s broken out for the first time. Bald and covered in embryonic fluid.
HARDY: Just a shame it couldn’t be embalming fluid.
HARDY: He looks like the sort of guy who would come up to you on the street to tell you all about this band he heard when he was in Starbucks the other day. He'd be at the front of their shitty underground gigs, and he'll still be wearing that fucking hat.
He'll probably be buried in it, because nobody else would dare even own something as bad as that
HOPPER: I bet even Andy Warhol would tell him to fuck off
http://www.wunderland.com/LooneyLabs/Werewolf/pics/LiamWolfShirtBack.jpg
HOPPER: ‘Sup bros? me? I’m just out on the porch chillin in my homemade wolf shirt’
HARDY: ‘My mom is takin this picture, yeah she’s a bit of a pain but she makes these awesome oatmeal cookies, you guys should really try them sometimes
HOPPER: Look at that hairline man.
HARDY: I can’t, I keep getting drawn to his eyes. It’s like he’s warning me not to try and steal his wolf shirt, or else my shit will be fucked up.
HOPPER: Ha-ha he's got side eyes.
HARDY: I’m showing you this wolf shirt, but don’t get greedy – don’t make me draw my hanzo steel.
HOPPER: His spiralled neck looks like something Junji Itio would conjure up in one of his horror stories.
HARDY: Whoa! Look’s like you dropped a name there buddy! Better pick it up before someone notices!
HOPPER: It hurts me that this nerd would appreciate that name drop.
HOPPER: And he would, ‘cos he is a fucking nerd
HARDY: When I was at Alton Towers as a kid they had this bicthing helter skelter I used to go on all the time – I’m fairly sure it was modelled on this guy’s neck.
HARDY: The worst thing is, his neck isn’t like that because he’s turning to the side, its always like that
HOPPER: Guy has some sort of medical problem
HOPPER: Homie need to go see Dr House, he'd fix that shit
HOPPER: Or tell him he's dying, one of the two.
HARDY: The wolf shirt looks like its on the wrong way as well, please tell me I’m not the only one who can see that?
HOPPER: Everything about this guy is the wrong way. It’s as if his head’s on backwards
HARDY: It just looks poorly placed, like the guy was actually naked when the picture was took and the wolf shirt was just photoshopped onto him
HOPPER: That would explain a lot
HARDY: it’s like the exorcist with his neck twisting round, except he isn't possessed by Satan he just wants to show off his totally sweet new wolf shirt
HARDY: WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!
HARDY: THE WOLF ON HIS FUCKING SHIRT IS BETTER DRESSED THAN HE IS
HOPPER: HAHA, shit.
HOPPER: It looks like a dapper Victorian gentleman is turning into a wolf
HOPPER: Shit, this aint just a wolf shirt its a furry shirt
HOPPER: A frightening new genre of shirt.
HARDY: First they came for the wolf shirts, I did not speak up because I was not wearing a wolf shirt.
Next they came for the furry shirts, and I did not speak up as I was not wearing a furry shirt.
Then they came for me, the fursecution was just starting...
HOPPER: You know, whenever I think of comic writer/artist Todd Mcfarlen this guy is pretty much what I think of
HARDY: Is he wearing his grandma’s glasses?
HOPPER: It’s entirely possible that he is his own grandma.
HARDY: Somewhere his grandma is falling down the stairs and breaking her hip because she can’t find her glasses because her worthless grandchild wants to look backwards at his bitching wolf shirt properly. That is the real victim here - not this dork in a wolf shirt, not the dapper Victorian gentleman who has been tragically turned into a wolf by this dorks whim, it's poor grandma who is dead now
HOPPER: I don’t think she fell, If this guy was my grandson I'd throw myself down the stairs
HOPPER: Everyday
HOPPER: ...420
HARDY: Nah, I think this guy pushed her. "Grandma said my shirts were dumb, but I showed her who is dumb!"
HARDY: Then he triumphantly takes a picture of himself wearing her glasses over her prone body as a sign of victory.
HOPPER: 'GRANDMA THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'LLL TELL YOU DnD IS NOT SATANIC'
HOPPER: 'BITCH SAID VIDEO GAMES MAKE ME VIOLENT. TRIED TO TAKE AWAY MY MOUNTAIN DEW AND PUT ME ON RITALIN. feh, I showed her'
HARDY: The wolf shirt is there because it was the furry who murdered grandma, not him. This murder mystery is the reason Sherlock Holmes was addicted to cocaine
HARDY: "I must now run away with my pack in the wolves, they shall shelter and feed me while the heat dies down"
HARDY: In the wolves, that’s creepy - I meant woods
HOPPER: It’s the type of thing this guy would say though, ‘I must go now, and live in the wolves. AROOOO!’
HARDY: Turns out "his pack" is an overweight girl he met in World of Warcraft
HARDY: ‘bark bark I am a wolf...WHAT DO YOU MEAN WOLVES DONT BARK!? WELL THIKS WOLF DOES BARK, MY WOLF SPIRIT TOLD ME SO SHUT UP GRANDMA!......woof’
HOPPER: You know I feel sorry for his mother. She lost her mother recently and this guy’s her son
http://www.earache.com/bands/decapitated/navigation/decapitated_biopic.jpg
HARDY: What the shit is this shit?
HOPPER: It’s a band. I’m not sure of their name though, the gothic font is unreadable
HARDY: VOGG - GUITAR and on weekends, scarecrow
HARDY: I think Covan can see god lowering himself down to earth and he realises all the years he’s spent worshipping Satan to try and pick up chicks is coming to bite him in the ass.
HOPPER: VITEK, VOGG, COVAN and their cousin Martin
HOPPER: How high is Martin?
HOPPER: I mean really.
HARDY: Is Martin an ugly dude or an ugly dudette?
HOPPER: Does it matter?
HARDY: It'll help clarify what kind of boner I currently have
HOPPER: Sorry bro, it’s a guilty boner. You see Martin has downs.
HARDY: They give the best head you know.
HOPPER: I do now.
HOPPER: Covan’s my favourite
HARDY: He looks genuinely confused with the whole Photo shoot
HOPPER: He’s either taking it really seriously which is funny or, he’s taking the piss which is also funny.
HOPPER: He's just seen the font they're going with and he trying to work out the name of his band.
HARDY: Vitek looks like every single drummer in every single unsigned band
HOPPER: I was gonna say Vitek looks like every technical wanky guitarist that ever existed
HOPPER: You just know he starts every conversation by mentioning Dragonforce
HARDY: He's folding his arms as if he's sick of being in the photo
HOPPER: He’s not folding his arms man, he’s protecting his precious hands. They’re gonna make him rich someday.
HARDY: You know in deliverance where the dude gets raped and the rapist is all "squeal like a piggy!"? Well Martin is what happened when the dude getting raped actually did squeal like a pig.
HARDY: The wind changed at that exact time, its quite tragic really
HOPPER: I really genuinely believe Martin is a threat to women
HOPPER: Imagine if your daughter brought Martin home.
HARDY: My first reaction would be HOLY SHIT MY DAUGHTER IS A LESBIAN!?.....I think?
HOPPER: 'Honey really? What about that Conan guy he seems cool'
'His names COVAN dad! Conan’s a barbarian! You just don’t understand me! I love Martin!'
HARDY: Mentioning barbarians will have Vitek running in to talk about Dragonforce
HOPPER: Topics to avoid when Vitek is in the room;
Lord of The Rings
Warhammer
Barbarians
Dragonforce
Korn
Legible fonts
HARDY: Why he doesn't wear a coat when that is totally the thing the band agreed to do?
HOPPER: He is the band man! Fuck the other guys.
HARDY: I’m sure I’ve seen Vogg selling the big issue on Northumberland street a few times
HOPPER: I don’t know why Covan is with these guys. Again its probably better by comparison but I’d fuck Covan
HARDY: I think Covan is as confused as you are about why he's in the picture with these jokers.
HOPPER: Ah, Heath Ledgers Joker, another topic to avoid when Vitek’s around
HOPPER: Voggs getting off lightly and I’m not sure why.
HARDY: His name is Vogg - we can't really pick on him anymore than his parents already have.
HOPPER: I just realised what’s up with Martins face. Guy had a stroke. Seriously, that’s text book stroke face.
http://to.all.the.people.in.the.front.and.the.back.when.i.say.hell.you.say.fuckyeah.hell.fuckyeah.photos.cx/lps-for-blog-4-013-070.jpg
HARDY: There is so much going on in that picture that I don’t know where to start suffice to say, this is totally art
HARDY: Shit man, it includes a full colour poster. I really want to see what that poster is. Maybe it's that same picture, or some other picture of the two guys looking longingly at the camera
HOPPER: I hope so
HARDY: It’s as if they're saying "This is all symbolism, and it's really intelligent. Want to know what it means? Then you had better buy this fucking thing". I feel like I can learn a lot just from buying this - I won’t even need to listen to it or anything, just making the step to buying it will be enlightening enough
HARDY: Someone is totally showing the guy at the bottom goatse for the very first time and getting his reaction to it perfectly. The other guy is saying "fuck no I aint looking at that, I have some fire hydrant thing and I have no fucking clue what it is but goddamn am I gonna carry it around with me"
HOPPER: My first reaction is that there’s kind of a ‘Mice and Men’ thing going on but I can’t figure out which one of them is the retard. I mean sure the one in red is almost a dead cert but look at the one in the back, he's totally accidently killed a pretty girl with his retard strength at least once
HOPPER: I think he's carrying a bongo
HOPPER: I think he is, don’t hold me to that.
HARDY: I love the top guys’ hair, how it has the one strand flopping over his forehead and that’s it. I bet he’s real proud of it too
HOPPER: It’s like a proto devils lock
HARDY: He also looks like Quentin Tarintino before he started making movies and grew a chin
HOPPER: Yeah I can get behind that
HOPPER: It says Lenny and the Squigtones but there are only two of them. Where are the other Squigtones?
HARDY: Maybe the pair of them are so retarded that they actually imagine the rest of the band?
HOPPER: Or maybe these guys are the Squigtones and Lenny took the photo
HARDY: I can understand why Lenny wanted to stay out the picture
HOPPER: These guys dress as though they're from two different time periods. 50's rocker and 80's down and out. I bet Lenny is dressed like a knight or some sort of future person
HARDY: Lenny is Steampunk, and his right elbow is actually the camera. They took the picture out by the garages because that’s the only place they can take a picture and release all the steam safely at the same time
HOPPER: 50's guy actually looks pretty worried. As though he's witnessed the awesome destructive power of steam first hand in the accident that made his brother (80's down and out) retarded.
HARDY: The retard remembers the accident. That look is one of pure worry mixed with severe retardation
HOPPER: That or he's worried his dads going to tell him off for stealing his jacket
HARDY: Hahaha he is looking out for his dad in case he comes out looking
HARDY: Is the 50s guy wearing a purple shirt?
HOPPER: yeah with a black t under it. It’s the classic 'rock' look
HOPPER: Provided you've never seen rock before.
HARDY: I honestly cannot see either of these men playing rock music. They try to look rock and roll to fool the kids into buying their stuff, but you know they do Christian campfire songs or something lame like that.
HOPPER: Whatever they play I’m pretty sure it defies genre
HARDY: I dunno, retards have been making music longer than normal people have
HOPPER: Oh now really Paul. Another tirade against rap music? You need to stop being so racist.
HARDY: If those black people maybe rapped about sucking dick every now and then I could relate to them better. Instead I get stuck with this...urban Negro monstrosity
HOPPER: I think Lenny's afraid of the 'urban Negro monstrosity'. It explains the fear in his eyes.
HARDY: Maybe a black person is taking the picture, and Lenny (I assume Lenny is the guy at the bottom for the sake of narrative) having only heard about black people from the nice men in the white pointy hats he's shocked to see they actually exist
HOPPER: I figured Lenny was the rocker simply ‘cos he looks slightly less retarded. Steinbeck again
HARDY: I bet Steinbeck is spinning in his grave at viewing this picture
HOPPER: Why? These guys are a real life version of his characters.
Just shows he was a good writer
HARDY: What came first, the story or this picture? One prefaced the other, but I just need to know in what order.
HOPPER: I'd like to think Steinbeck saw this in a dream but Lenny and Squiggy here based their look on Steinbeck’s interpretation of that dream
HARDY: Maybe Lenny and Steinbeck had the same dream - they never actually met but the pair of them did exactly the same thing in a different way.
HOPPER: That’s pretty romantic dude.
http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p114/julia60476/Hipster2SMD.jpg
HOPPER: The next step in animal spirit clothing
HARDY: Holy shit that guy has no arms. We can't make fun of cripples’ man.
He lost both his arms in the great indie wars
HOPPER: It was a tough war. Many fought. Many lost their lives... All lost their dignity
HARDY: The only thing people agreed about the indie wars was that they were done SOOOOOOOOOOOO much better the last time they did it, now its starting to get old
HOPPPER: To be honest I thought it was a much more honourable, cooler war when it was one of those dirty wars that nobody knew about
HOPPER: C'ept us cool kids of course
HARDY: Mayhaps... his indie girlfriends’ animal spirit came alive and mauled his arms off.
HARDY: It looks like she’s got a purple heart, but instead of pinning it on her uniform she’s glued it to her hand so she always remembers.
HARDY: I dunno what she’s looking so smug about either, she’s wearing a fucking wolf shirt for fucks sake.
HOPPER: See what get’s me is the dude in the camo behind them taking photos. What’s going on here are there groups of people just standing around having their photos taken
HARDY: I bet that camo guy is taking a really bitchin' picture, like someone’s pulling a wheelie on a Harley that’s on fire but we get to see an ugly guy and some weird wolf spirit bitch instead
HOPPER: To be fair, he's not that ugly
HOPPER: I mean maybe it’s a trick ‘cos his girlfriend looks like more of a dude than he does but I'd say he’s ok looking… Overlooking his tom York eye of course
HARDY: See, I’m glad one of us mentioned it because that fucking eye man.
HOPPR: She’s really the spirit of a wolf trapped in a dudeish looking girls body and he's some sort of chameleon
HARDY: No, I know what this picture is now. The awkward pose, the glasses and the pseudo-messy hair - the dude is a massive nerd and this picture is being taken inside his basement.
HOPPER: No way man there’s a girl in there.
HARDY: A girl came in with the camo dude who wanted to take pictures of the place (I dunno why?) and he jumped at the opportunity to get his picture taken with a real life girl
HARDY: "The guys at the DnD night won't believe this!"
HOPPER: it looks like they're at a DnD night
HOPPER: Maybe tiger-girl and camoboy are taking photos as research on nerds
HARDY: I think you’re giving tiger-girl way too much credit
http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42038000/jpg/_42038482_mtv_panic_ap.jpg
HOPPER: Those young women from Panic at The Disco sure are pretty.
HARDY: This is a tragic picture
HARDY: Panic at The Disco is seeing first hand what really happened between Rihanna and Chris Brown.
HARDY: Chris Brown already got the guitarist there for watching, as you can see by his hand
HOPPER: I like to think that they've travelled back in time (in their steam powered time machine) and have arrived in Tina Turner’s house as Ike beats her up
HARDY: Except the singer got to Tina Turners house via Alice in Wonderland
HOPPER: Fuck, that’s what he's doing isn’t it. He's dressed up like the mad hater
HOPPER: Hatter sorry
HOPPER: What a cock
HARDY: The singer also looks like he's been replaced by someone from Madame tousourds
HARDY: Wait, how the fuck do you spell her name? Anyways, he looks like he’s made of plastic and its really hot wherever they are
HOPPER: I hope they're heading for the sun
HARDY: Maybe just off camera someone opened the ark of the covenant and we're seeing the reaction - the woman is being knocked away by its awesome power and the singers face is about to melt
HOPPER: And the guitarist is looking away. You can’t see it but he's tied to Harrison Ford
HOPPER: After this they will go and Harrison Ford will impregnate him with Shia Le Beouf
HARDY: The guitarist does have that sad resigned look on his face people usually have when they are about to have sex with Harrison Ford.
HOPPER: Fuck you man, If you gladly wouldn’t take it from Harrison Ford then you gay
HARDY: I thought you of all people would have soured on Harrison Ford after Indiana Jones 4
HARDY: Although if you can get through temple of doom and still like the guy then nothing is going to change that
HOPPER: I don’t blame him I blame Spielberg and Lucas... And the decline of modern cinema I guess
HARDY: So you wouldn't be the filling of a Spielberg/Lucas sandwich?
HOPPER: Who would though?
HARDY: Harrison Ford, evidently
HOPPER: Man, I can’t go on with this. I really like Harrison Ford but there’s no denying how horrible that movie was.
http://seventhsquare.com/images/raven-wtf.jpg
HARDY: That’s not a raven. I feel cheated
HOPPER: It’s more of an ostrich really
HARDY: She looks like she couldn't choose between the flashdance look or the moulin rouge look and just combined the two of them with lesbian boots
HARDY: Has she only got 4 fingers on her hand? her right one, FYI
HOPPER: I dunno, it looks like it.
HOPPER: It’s probably an evolutionary thing. Makes it easier to scoop up food.
HARDY: Well it certainly looks like she’s had plenty of practice on that so it makes sense
HARDY: Oh man, a fat joke - I always thought it was beneath me but apparently not?
HOPPER: I think the blindfold she's wearing is to entice potential suitors 'Look please sleep with me' she warbles. 'You can borrow my blindfold'
HARDY: I wonder if black people are like vampires in the sense they cant see their reflection because I seriously cannot imagine why anyone would wear an outfit like that.
HOPPER: It’s not a race thing. I think all idiots have no reflection or cast a shadow .
HOPPER: How else do you explain what Steve Martin does these days?
HARDY: Do you remember when he used to make good movies? I certainly don’t because I hadn’t been fucking born.
HOPPER: The age in which Steve Martin was funny is now like Aztec society. Historians spend a great deal of time trying to separate the myths from the truths. Was there ever a good Steve Martin movie or are these references simply metaphors and allegories used to explain the complex nuances of life?
HARDY: Steve Martin movies are a metaphor for life? Sadly, they are metaphors for Steve Martin’s life.
HOPPER: Everyone thinks the past was great but when you look closely it’s just another shitty, vaguely xenophobic movie.
HARDY: I think it only looks great compared to the present, and to actually connect the picture to Steve Martin - that woman looks perfect fodder for "sassy black woman" now that Queen Latifah is too high class to appear in shitty Steve Martin movies.
HOPPER: She does look like a budget Queen Latifah
HOPPER: If Beth Ditto and Queen Latifah had a baby…. This is that baby in 20 years time.
HARDY: What would you get if you put Beth Ditto and Queen Latifah in a blender?
HARDY: A fucking medal as far as I’m concerned - make sure to put this idiot in there with them too,
"We're gonna need a bigger blender" that guy from Jaws, whatever year Jaws was made.
HOPPER: Back to Spielberg!
HARDY: That bastard has a hand in everything!
HOPPER: Us Jews man, We pretty much run the world.
HARDY: If you run the world why do you let things like this monstrosity happen?
HOPPER: We tried to stop it. We had information telling us that this woman was hiding in the Gaza strip, specifically in schools. I feel we were justified in ignoring the Geneva Convention.
HARDY: I’d comment about white phosphorous, but at this point that could be a colloquial term to describe myself so I’ll not bother
HOPPER: I whish this woman hadn’t bothered trying to launch a music career
HARDY: She should only try to launch herself back into the ocean. Agh, another fat joke.
HOPPER: It ties back into her fin like hand though so you get points for that.
HARDY: Can we move on? I’m feeling a little uncomfortable looking at that hand and I don’t want to be accused of being racist for being uncomfortable.
HOPPER: Yeah sure, that’s why someone would accuse you of being racist.
HARDY: I’m not racist, I have too much white guilt to be racist.
http://www.commercialappeal-web.com/idiva/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/cover.jpg
HOPPER: Speaking of white.
HOPPER: There is nothing right with this man
HARDY: Can we go back to the black lady?
HOPPER: Fraid not old chum.
HOPPER: You ever heard of sensory overload? It’s a condition common amongst autistic kids.
One or more of their senses are so strained that they loose the ability to focus
HOPPER: This man does that to me. I see him and I start trying to recite poetry that I’ve remembered or quote Shakespeare in my mind.
HARDY: I think I have the opposite of that – I’m just seeing things and can’t look away
HARDY: Like that lipstick on his neck - sorry Maurice but your fooling nobody-
or the fact he’s made his earphones into earrings.
HARDY: And the fucking soul patch! Show me one person who doesn’t look like an utter twat with a soul patch, just one!
HARDY: Go ahead and try!
HARDY: You can’t do it
HOPPER: As Neichze said 'When you gaze long into the fuckhead hipster, the fuckhead hipster gazes into you
HARDY: I bet that hat he’s wearing is through necessity rather than choice
HOPPER: In what scenario could that hat possibly be a necessity?
HARDY: His hair is so fucking hipsteresque that the only hat in the world that can fit around it is that one.
HOPPER: I know its lazy to use this joke again but if Tim Burton and Dr Seuss had a baby…
HARDY: "He he, I’ve shaved my pubes and glued them to my beard, I wonder if I can intimidate the kids that hang outside the shop while I buy my clover smokes with it?"
HOPPER: I’m 100% certain that if you replace the word ‘intimidate’ with ‘impress’ that’s what he's thinking.
HARDY: Jesus Christ your right.
HOPPER: Pretty much. It’s in his eyes man
HOPPER: He cant wait to leave the fashion show and bang his 15 year old girlfriend
HARDY: You think he’s at a fashion show? with that background? He probably took his 15 year old girlfriend to an art gallery, "This is my favourite art, be sure to get my oversized hat into the photo!"
HOPPPER: Why would he take her to an art gallery? He practically is an art gallery
HOPPER: 'Hmm I’ve just stepped out in the new Damien, that’s Damien Hurst by the way. I’ve been ever so lucky to get his work pinned onto my body as he’s quite exclusive'
HARDY: I think the fact he looks like the kinda guy who would call a painting "an art" is more irritating than everything he's wearing combined
HOPPER: I’m starting to think this man isn’t a man but some sort of Lovecraftian monstrosity. He looks human, hell maybe his ancestors were but their deal with old Dagon produced this creature.
HARDY: He’s clearly wearing lipstick which gives me the impression he somehow managed to kiss himself on the neck to leave that lipstick imprint there.
HOPPER: I bet that’s a tattoo.
HARDY: Why would anyone get a tattoo of lipstick on their neck?
HOPPER: Look at this cunt. Why has he done any of these things? Neither the arts or science can answer.
HARDY: He does them because that is all he has. Once he takes off all this clutter he's an empty shell of a "man" but in full regale he can be someone. Sure, that someone is a massive tit but at least its better than nothing
HOPPER: I bet beneath it all he looks like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix right after Neo’s broken out for the first time. Bald and covered in embryonic fluid.
HARDY: Just a shame it couldn’t be embalming fluid.
HARDY: He looks like the sort of guy who would come up to you on the street to tell you all about this band he heard when he was in Starbucks the other day. He'd be at the front of their shitty underground gigs, and he'll still be wearing that fucking hat.
He'll probably be buried in it, because nobody else would dare even own something as bad as that
HOPPER: I bet even Andy Warhol would tell him to fuck off
http://www.wunderland.com/LooneyLabs/Werewolf/pics/LiamWolfShirtBack.jpg
HOPPER: ‘Sup bros? me? I’m just out on the porch chillin in my homemade wolf shirt’
HARDY: ‘My mom is takin this picture, yeah she’s a bit of a pain but she makes these awesome oatmeal cookies, you guys should really try them sometimes
HOPPER: Look at that hairline man.
HARDY: I can’t, I keep getting drawn to his eyes. It’s like he’s warning me not to try and steal his wolf shirt, or else my shit will be fucked up.
HOPPER: Ha-ha he's got side eyes.
HARDY: I’m showing you this wolf shirt, but don’t get greedy – don’t make me draw my hanzo steel.
HOPPER: His spiralled neck looks like something Junji Itio would conjure up in one of his horror stories.
HARDY: Whoa! Look’s like you dropped a name there buddy! Better pick it up before someone notices!
HOPPER: It hurts me that this nerd would appreciate that name drop.
HOPPER: And he would, ‘cos he is a fucking nerd
HARDY: When I was at Alton Towers as a kid they had this bicthing helter skelter I used to go on all the time – I’m fairly sure it was modelled on this guy’s neck.
HARDY: The worst thing is, his neck isn’t like that because he’s turning to the side, its always like that
HOPPER: Guy has some sort of medical problem
HOPPER: Homie need to go see Dr House, he'd fix that shit
HOPPER: Or tell him he's dying, one of the two.
HARDY: The wolf shirt looks like its on the wrong way as well, please tell me I’m not the only one who can see that?
HOPPER: Everything about this guy is the wrong way. It’s as if his head’s on backwards
HARDY: It just looks poorly placed, like the guy was actually naked when the picture was took and the wolf shirt was just photoshopped onto him
HOPPER: That would explain a lot
HARDY: it’s like the exorcist with his neck twisting round, except he isn't possessed by Satan he just wants to show off his totally sweet new wolf shirt
HARDY: WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE!
HARDY: THE WOLF ON HIS FUCKING SHIRT IS BETTER DRESSED THAN HE IS
HOPPER: HAHA, shit.
HOPPER: It looks like a dapper Victorian gentleman is turning into a wolf
HOPPER: Shit, this aint just a wolf shirt its a furry shirt
HOPPER: A frightening new genre of shirt.
HARDY: First they came for the wolf shirts, I did not speak up because I was not wearing a wolf shirt.
Next they came for the furry shirts, and I did not speak up as I was not wearing a furry shirt.
Then they came for me, the fursecution was just starting...
HOPPER: You know, whenever I think of comic writer/artist Todd Mcfarlen this guy is pretty much what I think of
HARDY: Is he wearing his grandma’s glasses?
HOPPER: It’s entirely possible that he is his own grandma.
HARDY: Somewhere his grandma is falling down the stairs and breaking her hip because she can’t find her glasses because her worthless grandchild wants to look backwards at his bitching wolf shirt properly. That is the real victim here - not this dork in a wolf shirt, not the dapper Victorian gentleman who has been tragically turned into a wolf by this dorks whim, it's poor grandma who is dead now
HOPPER: I don’t think she fell, If this guy was my grandson I'd throw myself down the stairs
HOPPER: Everyday
HOPPER: ...420
HARDY: Nah, I think this guy pushed her. "Grandma said my shirts were dumb, but I showed her who is dumb!"
HARDY: Then he triumphantly takes a picture of himself wearing her glasses over her prone body as a sign of victory.
HOPPER: 'GRANDMA THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'LLL TELL YOU DnD IS NOT SATANIC'
HOPPER: 'BITCH SAID VIDEO GAMES MAKE ME VIOLENT. TRIED TO TAKE AWAY MY MOUNTAIN DEW AND PUT ME ON RITALIN. feh, I showed her'
HARDY: The wolf shirt is there because it was the furry who murdered grandma, not him. This murder mystery is the reason Sherlock Holmes was addicted to cocaine
HARDY: "I must now run away with my pack in the wolves, they shall shelter and feed me while the heat dies down"
HARDY: In the wolves, that’s creepy - I meant woods
HOPPER: It’s the type of thing this guy would say though, ‘I must go now, and live in the wolves. AROOOO!’
HARDY: Turns out "his pack" is an overweight girl he met in World of Warcraft
HARDY: ‘bark bark I am a wolf...WHAT DO YOU MEAN WOLVES DONT BARK!? WELL THIKS WOLF DOES BARK, MY WOLF SPIRIT TOLD ME SO SHUT UP GRANDMA!......woof’
HOPPER: You know I feel sorry for his mother. She lost her mother recently and this guy’s her son
http://www.earache.com/bands/decapitated/navigation/decapitated_biopic.jpg
HARDY: What the shit is this shit?
HOPPER: It’s a band. I’m not sure of their name though, the gothic font is unreadable
HARDY: VOGG - GUITAR and on weekends, scarecrow
HARDY: I think Covan can see god lowering himself down to earth and he realises all the years he’s spent worshipping Satan to try and pick up chicks is coming to bite him in the ass.
HOPPER: VITEK, VOGG, COVAN and their cousin Martin
HOPPER: How high is Martin?
HOPPER: I mean really.
HARDY: Is Martin an ugly dude or an ugly dudette?
HOPPER: Does it matter?
HARDY: It'll help clarify what kind of boner I currently have
HOPPER: Sorry bro, it’s a guilty boner. You see Martin has downs.
HARDY: They give the best head you know.
HOPPER: I do now.
HOPPER: Covan’s my favourite
HARDY: He looks genuinely confused with the whole Photo shoot
HOPPER: He’s either taking it really seriously which is funny or, he’s taking the piss which is also funny.
HOPPER: He's just seen the font they're going with and he trying to work out the name of his band.
HARDY: Vitek looks like every single drummer in every single unsigned band
HOPPER: I was gonna say Vitek looks like every technical wanky guitarist that ever existed
HOPPER: You just know he starts every conversation by mentioning Dragonforce
HARDY: He's folding his arms as if he's sick of being in the photo
HOPPER: He’s not folding his arms man, he’s protecting his precious hands. They’re gonna make him rich someday.
HARDY: You know in deliverance where the dude gets raped and the rapist is all "squeal like a piggy!"? Well Martin is what happened when the dude getting raped actually did squeal like a pig.
HARDY: The wind changed at that exact time, its quite tragic really
HOPPER: I really genuinely believe Martin is a threat to women
HOPPER: Imagine if your daughter brought Martin home.
HARDY: My first reaction would be HOLY SHIT MY DAUGHTER IS A LESBIAN!?.....I think?
HOPPER: 'Honey really? What about that Conan guy he seems cool'
'His names COVAN dad! Conan’s a barbarian! You just don’t understand me! I love Martin!'
HARDY: Mentioning barbarians will have Vitek running in to talk about Dragonforce
HOPPER: Topics to avoid when Vitek is in the room;
Lord of The Rings
Warhammer
Barbarians
Dragonforce
Korn
Legible fonts
HARDY: Why he doesn't wear a coat when that is totally the thing the band agreed to do?
HOPPER: He is the band man! Fuck the other guys.
HARDY: I’m sure I’ve seen Vogg selling the big issue on Northumberland street a few times
HOPPER: I don’t know why Covan is with these guys. Again its probably better by comparison but I’d fuck Covan
HARDY: I think Covan is as confused as you are about why he's in the picture with these jokers.
HOPPER: Ah, Heath Ledgers Joker, another topic to avoid when Vitek’s around
HOPPER: Voggs getting off lightly and I’m not sure why.
HARDY: His name is Vogg - we can't really pick on him anymore than his parents already have.
HOPPER: I just realised what’s up with Martins face. Guy had a stroke. Seriously, that’s text book stroke face.
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Broken? Yeah probably.
I consider myself to be well adjusted but that’s not really saying much. In my mind, well adjusted people hate themselves and those around them. Me? I'm a selfish misanthropic prick, unable to feel or understand love. I'm not autistic but my inability to maintain eye contact and my overinflated, unjustified, sense of self-worth may have you thinking 'Fuck what's his problem? Maybe he's autistic?' The seemingly random bouts of self-loathing and the absence of self-esteem may lead you to diagnose me with Borderline Personality Disorder. You? Well, unless I’ve explicitly stated otherwise, you’re a moron. I probably hate you because your opinions are different to mine in some minor way and if you wish to function within society you better have the same outlook as me because well, that's life.
Now that you know this about me and my worldview it may come as no surprise to learn that I love indie music.
People get into indie music for a number of different reasons but make no mistake; this interest is permeated by a deep sense of self-loathing and an inability to function within peer groups. You get into indie music for one of two reasons.
I. The overly sentimental, melancholy lyrics and the bland melodic music are complimentary to a sense of middleclass guilt. World not perfect? Don't worry, you're not alone these rich white kids feel your pain.
II. You are unable to talk to members of the opposite sex so you covertly find out what music your particular potential partner is into and then you listen to it nonstop. Eventually you're able to form crude opinions on the band and so you strike only to find that the band is now lame and all your effort was for naught. But like a crack head you're trapped. Stuck in the indie scene. All you can do now is plunge deeper into its depths.
Believe it or not I actually got into indie music because of the former (I guess this could explain why I still can't talk to women without making a fool of myself). Indie music is filled with whiney pointless songs about nothing in particular. Take the music of Wiretree for example. Are they love songs? Has his family died? Is he singing about a war? You can't tell it's just sad sounding dross put against a backdrop of melodic vaguely upbeat, yet haunting and wistful music. I love Elliott Smith but there comes a point where you have to skip past his songs in the playlist because, 'Christ I get it you want heroin! We all do Elliott!' Indie music is pretty much music for privileged white people. When you're a white kid growing up in the West you don't have that much to complain about. Really, you don't. I'm sorry but any sense of depression is pretty self-indulgent as long as you've got a roof over your head and three meals a day so hey, just feel down about it I guess. Ok, I 'spose you could fight social injustice in all its forms. Maybe try and get women’s rights sorted out once and for all. Maybe try and change things. Make people feel comfortable with one another regardless of race, culture or sexuality aw fuck it that's a lot of effort and it's raining outside. Let’s just put The Shins on and lie around all day. Let other people worry about the Status Quo.
Don't get me wrong. I love some of these bands but they never do anything to try and shake things up. They're content with subpar lyrics that offer no insight into the human condition set against melancholy music or, perhaps for the single, jaunty songs about excess/adultery/being cuckolded/cuckolding someone/wearing the same jeans for a protracted length of time/NOTHING IN PARTICULAR! There was a big to do about the Decembrists’ last album because it was a concept album (also, it was shit). Everyone got all excited but what the hell man? I figured all their previous stuff had been conceptualized. They were grand songs about historical events and the occasionally overly long sea shanty. 'How you guys gonna change things for the next album? Oh, a concept album about a forest... An indie opera you say? How will this differ from your previous output? It won’t. Right glad we got that sorted.'
I love The Shins. They're one of my favourite bands but in all honesty their entire discography, including B-sides, can be viewed as one long album.
There is no underlying message to indie music. It doesn’t try to change things or open up discourse on society and humanity. Indie music is not little more than omphaloskeptical noise for people who feel they should feel guilty about something but don’t really want to commit to any particular cause.
It's fair to say that all music stagnates eventually and that you have to dig deep to find the good stuff but pretty much all indie music for the past six years has sounded the same and unlike pop or rap or dance or drum and bass and pretty much ever other genre except metal, the genre that everyone agrees is lame as hell, has nothing to distinguish one song/band form the other. Other bands/genres have different styles. There are some upbeat songs. Some music may help pick you up or make you think, maybe get angry or at least want to dance or something. All indie music sounds as if it was produced by Morrissey when he’s off his Zoloft.
I used to blame the NME and its cannibalistic approach to music journalism but that’s not entirely fair. The NME is the way it is because the indie scene allows them to be. Indie bands churn out the same stuff month after month and so they become disposable.
So basically I hate myself. Maybe not because OF indie music but that’s certainly a symptom of self-loathing. Do you like indie music? Would you like to join me for a day or two where we drink absinthe and bitch about petty trivia all the while doing nothing to address the root cause?
Hm, I might use that last paragraph as personals add on Craigslist.
Now that you know this about me and my worldview it may come as no surprise to learn that I love indie music.
People get into indie music for a number of different reasons but make no mistake; this interest is permeated by a deep sense of self-loathing and an inability to function within peer groups. You get into indie music for one of two reasons.
I. The overly sentimental, melancholy lyrics and the bland melodic music are complimentary to a sense of middleclass guilt. World not perfect? Don't worry, you're not alone these rich white kids feel your pain.
II. You are unable to talk to members of the opposite sex so you covertly find out what music your particular potential partner is into and then you listen to it nonstop. Eventually you're able to form crude opinions on the band and so you strike only to find that the band is now lame and all your effort was for naught. But like a crack head you're trapped. Stuck in the indie scene. All you can do now is plunge deeper into its depths.
Believe it or not I actually got into indie music because of the former (I guess this could explain why I still can't talk to women without making a fool of myself). Indie music is filled with whiney pointless songs about nothing in particular. Take the music of Wiretree for example. Are they love songs? Has his family died? Is he singing about a war? You can't tell it's just sad sounding dross put against a backdrop of melodic vaguely upbeat, yet haunting and wistful music. I love Elliott Smith but there comes a point where you have to skip past his songs in the playlist because, 'Christ I get it you want heroin! We all do Elliott!' Indie music is pretty much music for privileged white people. When you're a white kid growing up in the West you don't have that much to complain about. Really, you don't. I'm sorry but any sense of depression is pretty self-indulgent as long as you've got a roof over your head and three meals a day so hey, just feel down about it I guess. Ok, I 'spose you could fight social injustice in all its forms. Maybe try and get women’s rights sorted out once and for all. Maybe try and change things. Make people feel comfortable with one another regardless of race, culture or sexuality aw fuck it that's a lot of effort and it's raining outside. Let’s just put The Shins on and lie around all day. Let other people worry about the Status Quo.
Don't get me wrong. I love some of these bands but they never do anything to try and shake things up. They're content with subpar lyrics that offer no insight into the human condition set against melancholy music or, perhaps for the single, jaunty songs about excess/adultery/being cuckolded/cuckolding someone/wearing the same jeans for a protracted length of time/NOTHING IN PARTICULAR! There was a big to do about the Decembrists’ last album because it was a concept album (also, it was shit). Everyone got all excited but what the hell man? I figured all their previous stuff had been conceptualized. They were grand songs about historical events and the occasionally overly long sea shanty. 'How you guys gonna change things for the next album? Oh, a concept album about a forest... An indie opera you say? How will this differ from your previous output? It won’t. Right glad we got that sorted.'
I love The Shins. They're one of my favourite bands but in all honesty their entire discography, including B-sides, can be viewed as one long album.
There is no underlying message to indie music. It doesn’t try to change things or open up discourse on society and humanity. Indie music is not little more than omphaloskeptical noise for people who feel they should feel guilty about something but don’t really want to commit to any particular cause.
It's fair to say that all music stagnates eventually and that you have to dig deep to find the good stuff but pretty much all indie music for the past six years has sounded the same and unlike pop or rap or dance or drum and bass and pretty much ever other genre except metal, the genre that everyone agrees is lame as hell, has nothing to distinguish one song/band form the other. Other bands/genres have different styles. There are some upbeat songs. Some music may help pick you up or make you think, maybe get angry or at least want to dance or something. All indie music sounds as if it was produced by Morrissey when he’s off his Zoloft.
I used to blame the NME and its cannibalistic approach to music journalism but that’s not entirely fair. The NME is the way it is because the indie scene allows them to be. Indie bands churn out the same stuff month after month and so they become disposable.
So basically I hate myself. Maybe not because OF indie music but that’s certainly a symptom of self-loathing. Do you like indie music? Would you like to join me for a day or two where we drink absinthe and bitch about petty trivia all the while doing nothing to address the root cause?
Hm, I might use that last paragraph as personals add on Craigslist.
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
I love you Clive Owen but goddamn is that love complex.
About a year ago I was buying some DVDs with my friend Paul. I've known Paul for well over a decade now. We grew up together. Every dumb movie cliché about friendship applies to us. Little did we know that this friendship was about to be shaken to its very core. Paul suggested that I buy the Clive Owen film 'Children of Men'. If I’m totally honest dear reader, I’ve never really forgiven him.
Children of Men which came out in 2006 is, as Wikipedia tells us, 'Set in the United Kingdom of 2027, the film explores a grim world in which two decades of global human infertility have left humanity with less than a century to survive. Societal collapse, terrorism, and environmental destruction accompany the impending extinction. Meanwhile, the
My repeated attempts at editing the films Wikipedia page so that it reads 'How is babby formed? Clive Owen's is a good actor but hasn't picked a good script since Closer' have led to my ip being locked out. So much for democracy.
Children of Men won a number of awards and was critically acclaimed. If this doesn't upset you on some level then we probably don't have much in common. The problem with the movie is its forced political message. Film is a wonderful medium and is great at making people aware of political issues but a political message should never be the reason for the movies existence otherwise you end up with D.W. Griffith's The Birth of a Nation. A subtler way to get the message across would have been to send Alec Baldwin on a round the world trip and have him punch anyone with a right wing ideology. I've actually pitched this idea to a number of TV stations and, fingers crossed 'Brawlin' with
Even if you agree with the political message -which I do- it's impossible not to view the movie as preachy. Yeah, ok we get it; immigrants have it pretty fucking rough. Yeah no, I know, people shouldn't allow governments to become all powerful. Stop detracting from your otherwise superb imagery you dumb movie. And, to be fair, the movie really does have some amazing imagery. Its believable vision of the future (ok aside from the whole mystery infertility MacGuffin) is amazing and the movie has a haunting atmosphere. You find you self watching and thinking, 'Actually this isn’t too bad its pretty neat if only they'd stop with the heavy handed oh, no, they've started again.'
Ok, pretend you're at a party (something I do most weekends). You've met a few cool people and then across the room you see a really attractive person standing on their own. You can't understand why nobody is talking to them that’s how hot they are so, you head on over and strike up a conversation. You learn that they're a first year political student so you start talking about politics and realise that you agree on most things. An hour passes and it's become painfully clear why nobody was talking to them. They have not SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. about the evils of Western society. Jesus Christ shut up please. You agree with them, poor people are shit on, racism is bad, the power of government should be kept in che... oh what the hell did they just reference Rage Against the Machine?
Children of Men is that person!
I think the main reason I find Children of Men so repugnant is due to its wasted potential. There's so much going for the movie. The acting is good, the atmosphere and feel of the movie are splendid and it is an interesting story and Michael Caine's role as the scientifically created child of Cheech Marion and Tommy Chong is almost a must see. It's just impossible to get into a movie when any sense of verisimilitude is constantly obliterated by the misuse of heavy handed metaphor.
Anyway, enough of this I’ve got problems to deal with. Alec Baldwin just emailed me about a scheduling conflict we need to resolve ASAP.
Sunday, 5 July 2009
Noir Vampyres. Fuck ME!
Noir.
adj.
1. Of or relating to the film noir genre.
2. Of or relating to a genre of crime literature featuring tough, cynical characters and bleak settings.
3. Suggestive of danger or violence.
Vampyre is not available in the general English dictionary and thesaurus.
adj.
1. Of or relating to the film noir genre.
2. Of or relating to a genre of crime literature featuring tough, cynical characters and bleak settings.
3. Suggestive of danger or violence.
Vampyre is not available in the general English dictionary and thesaurus.
Yes, it seems the gritty Vampyre noir genre shouldn't really exist on a number of levels. Yet tragically it walks amongst us in the form of Charlie Huston's 'Already Dead'. There aren't enough adjectives in existence to really describe how terrible this book is but before I start here, enjoy amazon.co.uk's product synopsis.
They live among us, slaves to the very condition that empowers them. They are the Vampyre, and their sole chance at survival lies in banding into Clans. Only Joe Pitt has gone his own way. The upside is freedom. The downside is there's nobody on his side when trouble comes around. Joe gets rough receptions from all the countless Clans shifting about on the island of Manhattan, but his current trouble is with the Coalition? The Clan that controls the city river to river, from
Let me begin by saying, if you've read a book about vampires in the past twenty years then this is nothing new. If you've watched a movie involving vampires then this is nothing new. If you've spoken to anyone ever and the topic of vampires has come up (I dunno, maybe it has. In my case it's often a sex thing) then this dear reader is nothing new. I can only assume that Amazon meant to say, 'Charlie Huston offers a stale trite piece of 'literature' that truly cements his place as a hack writer' because that’s what Already Dead is. A generic piece of sub pulp literature that even my dog couldn't finish reading.
The selling point is supposedly the 'Noir' setting of the story but this is even less noir than that tragic wine commercial in which the once great, noir as fuck, Orson Wells slurs his words and makes a total arse out of himself. Huston try’s so hard to make sure his setting is 'noir' that it comes across as painfully forced and lacking of style. Hear me out. It's so forced that every time something noir happens it's impossible not to imagine Joe Pitt, our gruff tough noir dude/self insert wish fulfilment lead and narrator, winking directly at you.
A woman walks in *wink 'Dames, heh'*
Someone lights up a smoke *wink feels good man*
Men adorned in expensive long coats loiter in the dark *wink trouble is brewing*
Here, let me pick a random page from the book and force it upon you.
"'Mr. Clean. Mr Shit Don't Stick on Me, and there he is, consorting with the Coalition and poaching that chick.'
'Don't say chick'
'Yeah, yeah. Poaching that woman. I told Terry, told him and told him, but he coddles this guy. Knows he spooks for the Coalition and he lets him stay down here anyway. Well not anymore. Wanted Evidence.'"
*WINK*
the language is pretty bad too. I'm no prude but the amount of swears in this book would make Tarantino blush. What is it with some writers? Do they not realise that having your characters use foul language in every sentence diminishes the effect of using it? Sure you could argue that this is the world Joe lives in. It's harsh and foul and it’s made him a rough dude but that’s not the impression you get from the book. It just seems forced and reads like a 12 year old Trent Reznors live journal. I could be wrong but i'm guessing that’s not the effect Huston was going for.
See noir is outdated. It's cool but it's had its day. In order to make noir work in a modern setting you have to either reinvent it (David Simon's The Wire). Or take a fairly tongue in cheek approach (Rian Johnson's superb movie Brick). Already Dead does neither of these things. But what about the other aspect of the book? It's a horror/noir vampire novel is it not? Well yeah it is but it doesn't work as a vampire story either. Say what you want about Anne Rice but she was able to instil her Vampire yarns with a sense of pathos. Ok, some of the time. But Huston’s story lacks any of that. Vampirism acts as a guilt free super power. His vampires are magical beings that can do anything, including cure their girlfriends’ HIV (Huston shows some restraint, his self insert protagonist doesn't do that in this book though he totally could if he wanted and this is only the first book in the series).
This is turning into a rant so I’m going stop. All you need to know is that Already Dead 'sucks'. (HAR HAR DUUuuuuuuuur)
Oh yeah, Vampirism is caused by a virus. That’s no big deal but the virus is called Vyrus. I mean c'mon!
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